Sometimes this blog can paint a picture of a fantastic family life. We did this, we did that, we did crafty stuff, we baked, we laughed so much etc etc. However life isn't always like that behind the scenes. I like to write about the happy stuff as for me this blog is more about being a diary of my kids lives and the fun we have but I forget sometimes that it can be an outlet for me to channel some thoughts. Today I feel like shit. I look like shit and I've behaved in a rather shitty way.
This week I've been really busy at work and I have a slightly tricky project on that is putting me on edge all day long. I've worked on my afternoon off which has severely annoyed me as this is my only time during the week with the kids. I also worked all evening that day making me no fun as a partner in the evening. Two out of two for being a crap mum and crap wife there. Then I couldn't even enjoy the kids nursery Christmas show for (a) someone calling me re work knowing I had booked time off to be at the show and (b) some other work crisis (that wasn't actually a crisis but tell that to your client) that someone at work very kindly helped me with.
So this morning I NEEDED to get to work on time to sort out this project that is getting me down. Isla and I get out the front door (her with a banana and her morning milk in her hands, me with laptop on my back) to make the mad dash in the buggy to nursery so I can shove her through the nursery door with a quick kiss and then run to get my train. Only this doesn't happen. We get 5 mins up the road and this happens:
"My sheep, my sheep!"
"seriously Isla Mummy is going to be late, do you really need Sheepy today?"
Face looks really unhappy and sad "yeeees I do"
"FOR GOD'S SAKE, NOW I'LL BE LATE, YOU NEED TO KEEP HOLD OF YOUR THINGS ETC ETC" marching back to the house.
I carry on shouting, hunting for the sheep while Isla stands bewildered. I say LOOK FOR IT THEN!!! But she doesn't know where. She probably can't think for me ranting and raving. This goes on for 5 minutes, I go upstairs twice. My mother in law looks too and Noah has no idea what's going on. Then she chooses another sheep and we go.
I continue to have steam coming out of my ears. At the end of our road I see a little grey lump, on the pavement, it looks like Sheepy. It is Sheepy. How had I walked past this while stomping back home?! We pick it up, both relieved. We get 1 minute up the road and I start to cry while tearing along with the buggy. I've missed my train, so the hurry isn't that great as I have plenty of time till the next one. I'm now hurrying because I want to get to nursery to properly say sorry and give my beautiful girl a hug and a kiss. I feel like one terrible mum.
And I can say I've felt like this all day. Brimming with tears and hardly talking all day. I'm not going to make excuses but I feel like I'm packing too much in, and I think with my Dad in hospital at the moment for treatment I also have that in my mind. He isn't too bad but I worry about him and my mum and I don't think I'm much support for them either. I'm looking forward to a weekend spent out of work and immersed in my family. I love this time of year and I really don't want to feel too stressed to enjoy it and end up barking at everyone. I know we all have these kinds of days, I just felt this time it was worth getting it out as a reminder of what's important and also so you can see that my reality isn't always sunshine and flowers.